Tales and bloopers

This page is largely for metajokes. Some of it's a humorous retelling of events, some of it's other random miscellaneous tidbits of no particular importance, but all of it is meant to be funny. Don't take any of it seriously!

Bloopers

Sometimes, Tal gets silly ideas while writing posts. Those silly ideas can have a home here.

Buck the telemarketer

Related forum post

Buck looks around and notices that everyone is staring at him. "What? Why the hell's everyone just… starin'? Seriously, y'all's givin' me the creeps!"

Buck turns abruptly to face the camera. "And you know what's also givin' me the creeps? This 'ere stuff!" He holds up a bottle of Creepjuice next to his face. "It's Creepjuice, the perfect addition to any Halloween party! Simply take the powder, put it in a glass, add water, stir, and enjoy! Our selection of coloring packets will give it the perfect hue of your dreams! Dribble it down the side of someone's neck for blood, or have it spilling out of a beaker for detestable green slime! All this an more starting only at $19.95 plus shipping and handling!! Better yet, call now and we'll double the offer, and give you -"

At that moment Frank interrupts with another punch that again lands squarely on Buck's jaw, shutting him up (to the immense relief of everyone waiting in line for ration bars).

Frank and the chair of destiny

Related forum update

Frank is thoroughly stressed. Not even missions are this bad. He'd gladly fight off two - no, three - no, four or five, maybe even six Supermega Alphadrakes than have to make this decision. Sweat trickles down his cheeks. He crushes the ration bar in his slippery hand. He wipes his forehead with a sleeve; it comes away sopping. So much pressure, he thinks. No! I will not be defeated so easily! He grits his teeth with determination. I must… find… a chair…!!!!
  Frank plants his feet firmly on the ground in a battle stance and raises his voice as loud as it will go. "SUPER CHAIR-FINDING POWER ATTACK OF THE WINDING DRAGON!" he cries heroically. "SAKURA BAKA DESU MITSUBISHI SUBARUUUUUUU!"
  The room stares awkwardly as he makes a running leap for the chair beside Caleb - only to trip over Saoirse's. "NOOOOOOO!" he shouts. "IT CANNOT BE! I have been…….. defeated~~~~~"

The Adventures of Skad and Donald

(An IRC log)

<BFett> Cha0zz, you might end up MVI
<Cha0zz> MVI?
<BFett> Most Valuable Inmate
<Talvieno> Dinosawer gets Most Exciting Adventures
<Talvieno> For bringing a turret down on top of himself. =P
<BFett> It was an insane and exciting thing to read
<BFett> It's something I think he'll be talking about for years
<Cha0zz> you know kids
<Cha0zz> shall I tell you the story of that one day that I almost crashed a turret on my head?
<BFett> always trying to impress people?
<Cha0zz> *Yes grandpa!
<Cha0zz> Ok, here I go.
<Cha0zz> It was a dark day in august
<Cha0zz> me and my team were out on a mission to recover some alien tech.
<Cha0zz> *alien tech? ooooh!
<Cha0zz> :P

<Talvieno> Well, see, back in the day, we didn't have those fancy-shmancy ships you younguns flit around in now.
<Talvieno> We had boxes.
<Talvieno> Thin boxes.
<Talvieno> With an engine on one side.
<Talvieno> And see, we called 'em caskets, 'cause like as not, if you got in one, you were dead, see.
<Talvieno> And they were STILL built better than the stuff they have now.
<Talvieno> They don't make 'em like they used to.
<Cha0zz> they even had rubber ducks for when you wanted to take a bath?
<Talvieno> You got it! The whole shebang.
<Talvieno> Nowadays they have all these *spits* "Safety Features" so you can't even wet yourself without an alarm going off. In the good old days, they took your little box, attached it to a bigger box…
<Talvieno> and then flung it off the side of the bigger box towards whatever hellhole they wanted you ta look at.
<Talvieno> Trusted you'd be smart enough not to get yourself killed.
<Talvieno> With these newfangled ships you can't even breathe with all the airbags and armor plating and garbage.
<Talvieno> Back then they knew how to build a ship. They knew how to build it wrong. And they built it wrong [right].
<Talvieno> So, anyway, me and my squaddies - Spud and Deeno, I think they were - were tryna get these turret things down. They really don't build those like they used to - big ol' things, few hundred meters high.
<Talvieno> And you know what those aliens probably called it?
<Talvieno> You know what they probably thought of it as?
<Talvieno> Standard.
<Talvieno> Shows how far you younguns have fallen.
<Talvieno> Now, me and my bros, Skid and Donnie, we were trying to take this turret thing down.
<Talvieno> But see, the turrets were tryna do the same to us.
<Talvieno> So I just turned tail. I ran, dammit, and I'm not afraid to say it! I'm no coward. I'm not gonna cower behind paperwork and records like some pee-pants sissy you have locked up in offices these days
<Talvieno> no, if I have something to say, I'm gonna say it! That's how things shoulda been done back in the war.
<Talvieno> Now… where was I again…
<Talvieno> Oh, yes. *clacks dentures* Scod and Danny.
<Talvieno> So. Scod and Danny were inside the turret - don't know how they got in, probably some ingenious way you younguns would never come up with - and they find this generator thing in the middle, see.
<Talvieno> We aren't wasteful like you kids these days. We know exactly how much power we need, and we make it. No fancy-shmancy generators the size of your mom's arse that we'll never use.
<Talvieno> But they had to take the generator down, see?
<Talvieno> And they took it down [right]. Not a soldier these days could do a better job.
<Talvieno> Why, when they took it down, that whole asteroid broke to pieces because of it - wasn't any cheap "disable and run like sissies" job, neither. Where'd I put my glasses…
<Talvieno> Oh, they're on my head. Well, they came out of that turret fighting off hordes of aliens and demons - drones shooting blasts every which way, but they remembered their training.
<Talvieno> They took them [down], they did. Donald almost died at one point, told Skad to leave him behind. Skad didn't, though. We did things right back then.
<Talvieno> Hauled him back over his shoulder, with only [one tentacle] free to shoot the advancing horde. One tentacle! Like to see any of you kids do that.
<Talvieno> Of course, I didn't see it myself.
<Talvieno> I was at the alien base.
<Talvieno> Doing a handstand.
<Talvieno> It was how we saluted people back then.
<Talvieno> Ahhhh, the good old days.

The REKT scale of Character Badness

Index Level Percentage of inmates
1 Did absolutely nothing wrong. Joined REKT purely to make a difference in the lives of poor criminals that surely must exist. 11.61%
2 Did absolutely nothing wrong, but was framed. If involved in something, they had no control over what happened. 49.32%
3 Did something wrong, but it was a complete accident or they didn't think it was wrong. 16.32%
4 Did something wrong, but it was for a good cause. 10.13%
5 Did something wrong, but it was a tiny thing and the punishment was absolutely too harsh. 6.83%
6 ??? Never happened before. 0.00%
7 ??? No idea what this is either. 0.00%
8 ??? Nope. 0.00%
9 ??? 0.00%
10 Legitimate superpower evil that absolutely destroyed an entire star system, probably with a knife or similar implement, and then Tartarus caught them somehow. 5.79%

More serious table

This "more serious table" is off from the filled-out portions of the joke above by only 16.77% of the maximum that would be possible.

Index Level Percentage of inmates
1 Did absolutely nothing wrong. Joined REKT purely to make a difference in the lives of poor criminals that surely must exist, or didn't even know what it was. 11.54%
2 Did absolutely nothing wrong, but was framed. If involved in something, they had no control over what happened. 22.19%
3 Did something wrong, but it was a complete accident or they didn't think it was wrong. 15.38%
4 Did something wrong, but it was for a good cause. 9.62%
5 Did something wrong, but it was a tiny thing and the punishment was absolutely too harsh. 5.77%
6 Did something bad probably deserving prison time for a few years, but definitely not Tartarus. 11.54%
7 Did something bad deserving a death sentence or life imprisonment, but not quite dangerous enough to be on the Tartarus. 7.69%
8 Did something horrible that would definitely be worthy of being on Tartarus. 3.85%
9 Destroyed roughly a city's worth of people or equipment, probably more than would be possible in real life. 1.92%
10 Legitimate superpower evil that absolutely destroyed an entire star system, probably with a knife or similar implement, and then Tartarus caught them somehow. 9.62%
  • Doesn't belong in jail: 58.73%
    ☹ ☹ ☹ ☹ ☹ ☹ ☹ ☹ ☹ ☹ ☹ ☹
  • Belongs in jail, but not Tartarus: 25%
    ☹ ☹ ☹ ☹ ☹
  • Belongs in Tartarus: 5.77%
  • Larger than life evil supervillain of death: 11.54%
    ☹ ☹

((percentages may be slightly off and may not add up properly))

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