Conventional Infantry Gear

One-handed

0 creds - Semiautomatic Pistol

As the gunslinger's best friend, the pistol has been around for ages, and will probably still be around for a long time. With six rounds of high-caliber bullets, you can be quite certain that anything you shoot at is as good as dead… so long as it's butt naked. With a better degree of accuracy than the assault rifle, and better rate of fire than the gauss rifle, the pistol is still a pretty pathetic weapon compared to that of your CASKET. Gods, why did you even eject in the first place?

0 creds - Laser Pistol

So you turned your nose up at the semiautomatic pistol because it wasn't "futuristic enough". I guess that's understandable. It's pretty old technology. You can look a lot cooler with this laser pistol anyway. Slightly more useful than a glue gun, the laser pistol is capable of melting through most targets after some degree of work. Nobody can question its accuracy, though - it's the best you'll find anywhere. Of course, it is a laser, so that's possibly to be expected. Regardless, this should not be used as a main firearm.

0 creds - Machine Pistol

So you turned your nose up at all of the other weapons because they weren't "macho enough"? Fine, fine. We'll give you macho. If this machine pistol doesn't fit the bill, I don't know what will. Spitting out a ridiculous number of rounds per minute and constantly needing reloaded, the machine pistol lacks the accuracy of a blindfolded toddler. With less spread than the Gauss shotgun and less firepower than the assault rifle, it's hardly a decent medium-range weapon. You'd probably fare better with something more powerful, but if you really want a one-handed automatic gun, this is it.

Two-handed

0 creds - Gauss Shotgun

Your standard double-barreled shotgun. Good for shooting things with. Unlike in the movies, they tend to be pretty strong at medium-range, too, but the bullets lack the punching power of larger calibre bullets. Keep that in mind if you're trying to punch through heavy armor. Also pretty good at killing zombies… not that we'll be sending you to fight any of those…

0 creds - Gauss Rifle

Magnets, man. Whoever discovered them should get a medal. This gun uses subatomic coils of wire to create superconducting electromagnets which – well, you don't really want to know the details, right? This gun punches holes in stuff – just about anything, in fact, provided it's not as thick as your skull. Far less powerful, obviously, than the ship-mounted version, but can still punch holes in conspiracy theorists' faces.

0 creds - Assault Rifle

This is the standard jarhead weapon. Prone to spraying rounds haphazardly across a wide area, and may get jammed on occasion, requiring you to take cover and try to fix it. Very good at killing other humans, and it's hard to miss with, as you have so many rounds flying everywhere. Not so good at killing anything with armor. Note: Yelling and grimacing while you fire doesn't tend to make you any scarier to that spaceship. Best to just hide.

0 creds - Lasgun

This is not a toy. Get that through your fukcing heads. If we have to dump one more of you numbskulls in a metal crate with appendages from playing with these things, I swear I'll grow arms and strangle someone. This is not a laser pointer. You do not use this in the office. This is a weapon and it excels at cutting flesh. It's no good at cutting me, though, so you can quit trying. I'm made of metal, so you'll need a stronger laser for that. …What? … Don't. you. dare.

0 creds - Plasma Rifle

Often hilariously ineffective, the plasma rifle does exactly what it sounds like – it fires a burst of plasma often erroneously referred to as a "laser" by you hopeless incompetents and Star Wars fans everywhere. It doesn't melt through things. It can't cauterize wounds. It won't convince the black hole to let you go. It just shoots fireballs – painfully ineffective fireballs.

0 creds - ElectroRifle

Basically a massively scaled down version of the ship-based Electrolaser, the ElectroRifle doesn't roll off the tongue quite as easily. Utilizing a portable directed EMP emitter, this weapon does almost jack shit against anything but drones and electronics - against which it excels, so long as you land a solid hit. It's not entirely worthless otherwise, however. It can temporarily paralyze organics, and if you dial down some of the settings, it might make a nice present for that hot chick in Squad Four. I hear it tickles.

Heavy Weapons

Heavy weapons take up more than one slot and can only be held with both hands, but are capable of extraordinary things. Some may have limited ammo.
A second heavy weapon costs three slots instead of two.

0 creds - Liquid Crystal Depositor

I know you all have that secret little fantasy to be the next Vlad The Impaler, and as horrifying as it might be, this is your ticket to make that dream a reality. Big and bulky, the LCD launches rail-accelerated canisters of synthetically-produced anomalous materials in supercritical form. On impact, they rupture with a fairly large splash - and only moments later, the liquid nearly instantly condenses into hard, sharp crystals that have a tendency to grow into the nearest surfaces. While it's rare to get an immediate kill without a headshot, it's guaranteed to severely debilitate your targets with agonizing pain, regardless of how much armor they're wearing. The only thing that can save them is a thick wall in between the two of you - and, of course, your own ever-abundant stupidity.

0 creds - Rocket Launcher

This is Bob. This, is also Bob. And this is Bob, too. We gave Bob an anti-ship weapon. He shot it at the wall two meters away. Now, he's everywhere. Don't be like Bob. …But no, really, it's like a jump-scare reflexive reaction or something. If you'd had rocket launchers since your prehistory, I'm sure evolution would've naturally committed genocide against you guys by killing off all the stupid ones. It was funny the first few times, sure - and a few times after that - but you morons should try to do something a little more creative at this point. Has a limited supply of rockets, and you can choose what types you want.

0 creds - Plasma Streamer

A beautiful toy originally created by Mimir Corporation, the plasma streamer is big, bulky, and gloriously destructive. Capable of severing legs and even bisecting in instants, its messy spray leaves a telltale charred streak in the ground wherever it falls - your very own calling card. While the beam is terribly inaccurate at range, even a near miss can splash superhot plasma onto your target, wounding it, and if you so choose to swing the weapon from side to side, you can easily take out multiple hostiles each shot. Takes some time to recharge.

0 creds - Minigun

The weapon of legends. In medieval times, miniguns were revered as a symbol of manliness and brutality, as it took men of unbelievable strength to wield them effectively. Even today, they're still a symbol of raw sexuality. You can't look at these gorgeous six barrels of Gatling-style rotary autocannon goodness and tell me you aren't aroused. …unless you're a robot. …or an AI. …or intelligent. Actually, from an intellectual standpoint, there's a lot here left to be desired, but there's one thing you'll never want for: the good, old-fashioned, absolute decimation of your enemies.

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